Making marriage har-money

Money is the chief cause of arguments between couples. There's good reason, we're discovering more and more: People simply are too afraid to talk about this subject!

"It's unromantic.''

"Everything is fine in our marriage - as long as we don't talk about money.''

"My husband won't talk about our debt. He's too busy playing video games when he comes home from work.''

These are just a few of the stories we've been hearing lately. Too often, the problems are due not to money - but to sheer silence about it.

It's understandable. The way we've been brought up, money is a pretty scary subject. Everybody has different perspectives on how they should behave around it and what it means. Nevertheless, based on our own marital experience and everything we've researched, here are some simple rules couples can take to avoid these disputes over the almighty dollar.

1. Start talking about light money subjects - right now! You talk about music, and entertainment you like, right? What were your parents like around money? Do you enjoy investing in stocks or mutual funds? Should hubby always pay when you go out? Think of how you feel about some of these general money issues. Then, explain - lovingly, of course - to your spouse your thoughts and solicit his or her response.

2. Observe your partner's financial personality. Are you married to a spender or saver? Which are you? Determine whether either of your personalities might be creating friction in your relationship. If you have one spender and one saver, for example, are you constantly butting heads? You might want to have separate checking accounts. Are you two spenders and in debt? You might want to agree on a plan to avoid debt or get out of debt. Do you both save - too much? Figure out together how you might enjoy your lives together more. There is no right or wrong financial personality - just a failure to recognize the different types, and agree on ways to correct the flaws they might create.

3. Think before you spend. Consider cutting up those credit cards. Once you start paying cash, you'll think harder about each purchase and avoid the number one reason couples argue about money - debt.

4. Review all your financial records jointly. Particularly if you have a large amount of assets, consider meeting with a lawyer, financial planner and accountant. You want to review how - as a couple - you might cut your taxes, plan for your financial futures and protect your estate for your loved ones. Review whether you might be able to improve your life, health and disability insurance and retirement plans. Agree who will pay debts and how they'll be paid off. Who's paying the bills for child support or alimony? Is it a comfortable arrangement? Determine whether you might save fees by consolidating bank accounts, and whether your joint investments are adequately diversified. Brainstorm on ways to cut debt.

5. Check out state laws that affect married couples - i.e. how much you're entitled to when your spouse passes away. Make sure you're both adequately provided for. If not, you might want to see a lawyer. Also, familiarize yourselves with how your marriage impacts federal benefits and retirement benefits.

6. Plan together for important life events. Want a baby or a house? Figure out how much money you'll need to reach that goal as soon as possible and how much you might be able to put away for it each month. Ditto for college and retirement.

7. Store important financial records in a mutually accessible central location.

8. Is there a serious financial matter to discuss - like a major purchase? In this case, it might be better not to spout off immediately. Instead, set a time to meet with your spouse, and bring along hard copies of all records that relate to the decision. Be sure to respect your partner. Don't bring up a heavy money subject when he or she is lying in bed or watching television after a hard day at the office.

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